The title of this post is a line from Steve Martin's fantastic Hollywood satire BOWFINGER... Heather Graham, looking every inch like she just arrived from Muncie, Indiana, climbs off a Greyhound bus in Hollywood, plaid patterned suitcase in hand, and asks the very first person she sees, "Hi, where do I go to be a movie star."
That's a bit like how I felt when I got to town. My University film education had consisted mostly of running around campus with a 16mm camera shooting short films about guys slowly going crazy. It was fun, but there was a fundamental lack of education in the reality of what I would be doing in Hollywood, eight o'clock, Day One.
Because the reality is that you are not going to come to town and be a working screenwriter that same week... or a director, or an agent, or a producer, for that matter. A few do, but it's such a tiny percentage of the people who come to town looking for fame and fortune that it isn't even really worth fantasizing about. I once debated with a friend whether or not a particular actress would ever make it as a movie star, and when I argued that she was really talented, he replied "The road to Hollywood is littered with the bodies of talented actresses." He was kidding of course, but he had a point... if everyone who came to Hollywood bought a lottery ticket their first day in town, chances are that after ten years, twice as many would have hit the lottery jackpot than would have found the fame and fortune they were looking for without a good five years of hard work struggling up that ladder.
So, here you are. You just graduated from college, or you've quit your job at the widget factory in Muncie and you're ready to move out to Hollywood and give your dreams a chance. Chances are you're going to be working as an assistant until your big break comes... whether that break is selling a screenplay, getting promoted to agent, or getting hired as a creative executive by some producer... just about everyone does at least SOME time on some Hollywood big shot's desk as an assistant.
I'm not going to tell you it's fun. It can be exciting, sure... this is a really interesting, flashy, high-profile business and being a part of it, even a small part, is definitely a rush. But the hours are long, the pay is crap, and too many of the bosses can be complete A-holes... I don't know why these things are true, there are lots of theories... but I think it has something to do with the fact that there are a finite number of jobs available, and TONS of bright-eyed kids with stars in their eyes who want those jobs, and so the business feels a little more free to jerk people around, knowing that if a given employee gets frustrated or angry and storms off, there is a literal army of replacements standing just outside the door waiting to take over.
How bad can it get? Check out a film called SWIMMING WITH SHARKS... the writer/director George Huang worked for some of the legendary jerkweed bosses in the business and claims that he based a lot of the horrible things Kevin Spacey does to Frank Whaley's character in the film, on things that his bosses did to him when he was an assistant.
It may not be fair, but it's the way it is.
But there are some things you can do to prepare yourself for life as an assistant, and that's really what this post is about... I want to give you an idea of what you're in for so that you can make that big move with full disclosure under your belt.
First, before you get to Hollywood, spend some time reading Variety and the NY Times Sunday calendar section on-line where the major headlines are free. The best way to get a boost in this business, to start off just a hair above everyone else in town, is to know who's who and how they relate to the other who's whos. Who runs Warner Bros? Who is the President of Production and who is the Studio Head? What's the difference? What about New Line? What kinds of movies do the various studios seem to specialize in? Who's just had a great summer and who is about to get fired because every summer blockbuster flopped like a dead turkey? You're going to need to know this stuff eventually, so the earlier you get started, the better for your career.
But assuming you're here already, and are looking for that first assistant gig, what can you expect?
Agent assistants typically start their day between 8am and 8:45am. Producer assistants and assistants who work for Studio Executives typically begin their days a little bit later, say 9 or 9:30. Most folks who work in the biz "roll calls" from the car on the way in every morning and again on the way home... both returning phone calls from the night before and putting out calls they hope will generate business during the day. It's the assistant's job to keep track of what calls have been made, which calls need to be returned, and what needs to be done as a result of each call connected. Agents are typically calling producers and executives trying to find out what jobs they need writers, directors, or actors for, and then trying to sell those executives on the idea of hiring their clients for those jobs. If the executive is unfamiliar with a given client, it's the assistant's job to get the appropriate material to that executive so they can be educated on the artist in question. Producers and Studio folks do just the opposite. Generally they are calling agents or the artists themselves trying to get people attached to write, direct, or star in their movies.
As an assistant you'll also be responsible for making your boss' schedule, and for typing up letters, keeping up a Rolodex, booking lunch reservations, as well as various and sundry other annoying administrative....things....
If this sounds like secretary work, that's because it is. Yeah I know it's tough to swallow, especially when you could be sitting on a hundred thousand dollars worth of degrees or more, as I was. But there is an upside.
For one thing, if your boss grows to like you and trust your taste, they will often ask you to read scripts for them, and sometimes, to do "coverage" or a set of "notes." Believe me, if you want to be an agent or a production executive, you're going to need to know how to break down a set of notes, or analyze a script via a good piece of coverage. If you don't know what either of those things are, don't worry... no one taught me either. I'll try to take a crack at both in future posts.
Beyond that, something to know about the upside of being an assistant is that the business plays very fast and loose with the "rules" for moving up the ladder and it's more than willing to let really clever and industrious assistants figure out unorthodox ways to get ahead. You will be on the front lines and trusted with an awful lot of access to the inner workings of the business, so if you bust your ass, work hard, and do a great job, sooner or later someone will promote you and give you a shot. If you want to be an agent or an executive, working your way up from the assistant ranks is pretty much the only reliable way to get there.
On the other hand, if you want to be a writer, being an assistant will afford you plenty of time to write, as well as good access to the people you will need to know in order to get your career going. Most of the writers I know have gotten a helping hand along the way from someone they worked for as an assistant.
Whew... that's quite a brain dump for one post on what to do when you first get to town. I think I've covered most of the relevant topics, but if there's something missing, or if you have a follow-up question, feel free to leave a comment or, as always, I am available by e-mail.
Cheers from Shears!
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